It happened many days ago. More than 300 days ago.
I was just home from my journey elsewhere and being single and alone, I knew it was coming. But I didn't expect it to be so deep and affecting. She was a happy, active girl. And yes, her aura did attract me, tho at first I was trying to suppress my emotions. But then it happened still and I'm glad it did. I was happy, really am. One of the happiest things that made me feel I'm home. You know, the sweet feeling of being back...
But it was short lived. One of my closest could not accept her well. Even though I am all over her, I did one of the worst thing, IMHO, I've done. I followed the order of my priorities. And I had to evict her. And it was during my 23rd birthday. On the night itself. It was a foolish action and I regret it. I was in a pinch. Its either I choose a person I knew for just few months or my own family. I was heartbroken, emotionally, mentally and physically. People do say that when you feel your heart aches, not emotionally nor mentally but physically its because you lost someone very dear. My heart feels like being filled with a big rock, heavy yet hollow, that it makes me hard to breathe. The pain and agony can't be described to those who had never felt it.
At that times my friends supported my decisions, thus I tried to be strong as to please those close to me. But deep down inside, I was torn apart, trying my best to keep together my sanity. And I almost fail.
Slowly, in secret, I met her from times to times, trying to heal her n myself. And I just knew I could not let her go. But our tracks were noticed and again I had to do it. Thinking back, maybe I was a coward or just a follower. I did not defend her. I did not choose her. I mean, I'm not saying that I blame those close to me coz I know they wants the best for me. But yes at that time I don't even know what's best for me, choosing her or choosing the people I've known for so long. And again I was in a deep dark whirlpool, trying to breathe the drowning air.
And then, I guess I ran away. And I left her in despair.
She did lock my heart before and the key is still with her now.
And I knew, even though she unlocks it, my feelings for her,even thought it's being suppressed, will stay. It will keep on trying to heal the broken heart.
And yes. I'm taken atm. I shouldn't even write this. But in my pursuit to be ready for the big day, I had to end the pasts in my head. But then, this is one past that I could not end. I just could not. I am weak. For she is the one I'm truly in love. The one that has ever given me the experience of an aching heart. And the heart aches still.