Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Randomness of a 23yo Nas

I did something very random on the eve of my 23rd. Very random imho. I wonder why i did that. Is it coz of being afraid, trauma of being hurt? Bro seems to sum it all up into my insecureness, my weakness. Was it me who decided that I'd rather end it up before I went deeper and ended up breaks everyone's heart? Sometimes, it's hard to choose. It's hard to decide. With physically weak and mentally weak, my emotion could runs deep and brought up something that even i couldnt expect. Seriously, being physically and mentally challenged could again raise my 'white' shadow. I know i did that not coz of what i want to. Not coz of i love to do that. I would lie my heart out if i say i'm happily did that. In fact god knows how i bleed. It bleeds more dark red blood, since that is the worst gift i've ever gave to myself during my birthday.



Wut ppl say, i take into consideration lightly, in fact, i nvr did in the first place. coz i know not all i met are the same, not all i heard is true. But when wut i heard and cautioned happened in 3 days, my insecurities were up and i had to do some research, observation and evaluation. Wut i found broke my heart, very much. Its very similar to what had hurt me that it took me years to heal, took me numerous poor soul to heal, took me numbers of cuts to make it heal. And i could say that i'm very much in the state of phobia towards it. And that's the reason i reveal all my shadows first, in order to get you to reveal all your shadows to me. That's the reason i set my priorities, to shield me from these sort of thing. But seems like i failed. U seemed to hide your shadows. You tried to conceal things that are lesser to my shadows. And you failed the test i gave you, very much. It broke my heart to write this but that is very typical of a Virgo. And i am very typical of Aries, headstrong, always rushes in, and very much selfish. I know that. I even realize that the way i ended it was shit. But i did that coz of me not wanting to hurt myself and you. I'd rather stab my lips than to stab my heart. I know if i keep on going with you, with my insecurities, you wont be happy and i wont be happy. I'm not much of a forgive and forget type of a person. If i can forget it, consider it forgiven but the thing is, its hard for me to forgive that, giving it happened seems to be an attempt to pierce my shield.

Yeah, your suddenly concerned 'frens' might call me a jerk, immature, scumbag, heck in fact call me dumbass. Why dont they call me asswipe or ass hole?.



But do they really know? Do they really know me? What i've been through? Do they really know my intentions? Do they really know what my heart wants and what does it afraid of? Yes, i know they are really concerned bout you, really want to take care of you. But, do they respect you? Do you seriously know that?

You see, when ppl say bad things bout u, i just sit there, listen and tell them, if u have anything against her, tell her yourself. its between you and her. Even my sister who hates you so much gives us space to grow. She didnt even disturb me when we're together. She wont even tell me why she hated you. The others who are close to me that are against us never told me why they dont like us together even until now. And i'm still clueless why they dont like us. They just told me that they dont like us being together, but they did say that they respect us. The only thing that they said to me was the thing i alrdy know bout Virgoes. They love to be pampered. That is why i took it lightly. If your suddenly concerned 'friends' want to say things bout me, they can do it, but heck, ask them first if they have any respect for you.

As for me, I wont give a fuck if everyone wants to say shit bout me coz the people that are of most important to me knows who i am and how i am. That is good enough for me.

*sigh*

I'm very much nicotinized and very much empty.
Lucky the cat of the name given by you knows how to try to mend me.
That somehow comforts me.

"The words that would mend the things that were broken"




Till we meet again, Bro, D and M, i'll hand it up to you guys.

Ja~

1 comment:

ah^kam koko' said...

Nas, you're my friend & I will support you any way I can...

What's done is done, it's time for you to move on...
What isn't right, isn't right no matter how you rationalise it.
What is meant to be, is meant to be no matter how circumstance gets in its way.

Learn, mature & choose relationships with wisdom.
**hugs